All About The Penis, Men & Male Sexuality

How To Overcome Delayed Ejaculation

It must be strange not to be able to ejaculate during sex. After all, if you think about it, most guys' problem is that they come far too soon during sex!

But while we might all envy the guy who can pound away for hours without coming, it soon becomes frustrating and depressing for him - and his partner also, if she gets a sore vagina, or even if she just wants him to ejaculate in her.

And considering how much most men play with their penis, it must be even stranger not to be able to ejaculate while masturbating. But both conditions exist, and while they may be rare, they are certainly a problem to the men who experience them.

So what can be done about it all?

Inability to orgasm with a partner

unahhpy coupleAt first sight, it's a bit surprising that a man with an inability to orgasm has a prolonged and hard erection, with which he can often bring his partner to multiple vaginal orgasms. And these erections are present even when he feels sexually repelled by or angry at his partner. 

What's more, many men who have difficulty coming with a partner actually have a clear preference for masturbation by their own hand. It's often the only way they can get to orgasm - though some men can't reach orgasm at all.

That seems a bit strange too. However, if a guy admits that he is repelled by his sexual partner, and even feels pleased that he denies her the pleasure of his ejaculation in her vagina, it all becomes much easier to understand.

You can hardly think of a man who doesn't like his sexual partner as having a problem if he can't ejaculate in her, especially if he can ejaculate quite normally with other partners. The same is true if she wants to get pregnant, and he doesn't. 

In cases like these, the man concerned needs help to express his reluctance to have sex or to voice his feelings of anger. Presumably he is afraid of his partner getting angry or retaliating - perhaps, for example, he has a deep-seated fear that she will leave him.

(By the way, this is yet another example of the ever-increasing and subtle bias against men in our society whereby they are expected to be able to perform sexually on demand even if they don't want to. OK, that's enough sexual politics for now.)

According to Sandra Leiblum and Raymond Rosen, in Principles and Practice Of Sex Therapy, most men with this problem seem to feel compelled to satisfy their partner, whether they want to or not. (Read more about this here.)

Their entire focus is on the satisfaction of their woman, and they seem to have cut off their own feelings in an attempt to do what she wants, thereby denying themselves the experience of their own feelings.

In a way, this urge to satisfy their partner at the expense of their own wishes explains how they can keep an erection: erection is a reflex reaction, while the process of arousal and orgasm  involve the mind; therefore erection and lack of arousal can co-exist.

So, while the pounding of intercourse with a hard penis seems to satisfy the partner's needs, it certainly doesn't satisfy his. What's more, the man is often taken for granted as a "satisfier" while the woman falls into a passive role, though he will not be aware of the way in which he is taken for granted, nor most likely feel annoyed by it.

Instead, he may have flashes of disgust and/or hatred for his partner (and perhaps also for his own semen).

So, you men who can't ejaculate, find a way to express your feelings! Raise your consciousness! Your erection, and your orgasm are not for your partner! They are for you! And you deserve to have them with someone you enjoy having sex with. What's more, it's OK if you don't have an erection all the time!

The treatment prescription given to guys who went to sexual therapists complaining of an inability to orgasm with a partner used to consist of this: rapid and probably hard masturbation by his partner leading to ejaculation nearer and nearer to, and then eventually inside, her vagina. And it's true that this sometimes works.

 But only sometimes, and when it does, it seems to be because the man is snapped out of the state in which he believes he must vigorously thrust and his partner must passively receive. In other words, her aggressive masturbation of him changes the whole dynamic between the couple. 

But unfortunately if this approach fails (which it often does), it can make things even worse for the man. 

When men don't want sex

The truth is that many of these men shouldn't be having sex with their partner - they don't want to, they aren't turned on, their penises are numb, so why should they? - and they certainly shouldn't have an erection, because they aren't even aroused by her, for heaven's sake.

And their partner needs to hear, and hopefully accept, these feelings. Obviously this may have consequences for their relationship...

But before any of this can happen, a man has to be able to identify and express his feelings (for example: "I am afraid of failing"; "I am afraid of letting you down"; "I am afraid there is something wrong with me"; I just don't know what you want"; "I'm just not feeling anything").

One way for a man to develop these skills is to see his partner become expressive of her feelings and needs: for example, despite the often-seen multiple orgasmic experience of the partners of non-ejaculatory men, these women are often well aware that their partners find them unattractive or are unaroused by them.

The voicing of such complaints may lead to the man finding his own voice and beginning to be able to express his own emotional responses to sex. 

The bottom line is this: a guy with coital anorgasmia (fancy words, simple meaning: you can't come during sex) needs to be aroused before he can have an orgasm during sex. And if you are such a guy, and you think you are aroused during sex, well, consider how much more aroused you are during masturbation. See the difference?

And while you may not feel you can't be critical of your partner, the truth is you're perfectly entitled to be. After all, you're getting so little out of sex and she's multiply orgasmic. Wouldn't that make anybody feel used, left out or ignored?

And if you think sex like this is drudgery, I've got some news for you: it is! You have a right to expect from sex much more than you have ever received! And you have a right to say "No" to sex or your partner's demands!

When you learn to please yourself, your sexual problems will likely disappear - as will your prolonged rigid erections and the absence of your orgasm and ejaculation.

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