All about women's sexuality

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While all men are on very friendly terms with the penis, becoming acquainted with it very soon after birth, and never losing interest in it thereafter, our approach to the clitoris is more random. We tend to deal with it in a way that suits our lover, is dictated by her sexuality, and may not be the best way of giving her sexual pleasure - especially if she herself is somewhat shy about it. 

It's actually very necessary for men to understand the clitoris, because most women get the great majority of their sexual pleasure from it. And no wonder: the clitoris is richly endowed with nerve endings: over 8,000 of them, apparently, according to Rebecca Chalker in her book The Clitoral Truth. Indeed, this is twice as many nerve endings as the penis has - a fact which may surprise men who find it hard to help their woman to reach orgasm. 

This vast array of nerve endings makes the clitoris extremely sensitive to direct touch, which, especially before a woman is sexually aroused, can be experienced as painful rather than anything else. This may be one reason why nature has provided the clitoris with a hood of skin similar in function to the foreskin of the penis, in that it protects the sensitive, smooth tissue of the clitoral glans when a woman is not enjoying sexual pleasure. If you are a man who has a penile glans so sensitive that you cannot bear to have it touched directly, you will understand the extraordinary sensitivity of the clitoral glans.

Although the clitoral hood protects and diminishes the intensity of the sensations reaching the clitoris, some women still find a direct touch on the immediate area of the clitoris to be too intense. They will prefer to be sexually stimulated on their inner labia or lips (the flaps of skin around their vulva), which are packed with nerve endings, and the top corners of which meet to form the underside of the clitoris. If you can persuade your lover to let you minutely examine her clitoris, you will see that again there's a parallel with your penis: the point at which the labia meet underneath her clitoris is rather like the frenulum of your penis.

You may or may not be aware of the fact, but the shaft of your penis runs deep inside your body towards your anus. Indeed, much of the mass of the penile tissues lie hidden out of sight: and so it is with the clitoris, whose glans lies atop a shaft full of erectile tissue that becomes engorged during sexual arousal, causing the clitoral glans to extend outwards and upwards, peeking out from beneath its hood when a woman is in the final stages of sexual arousal before orgasm. The clitoris also extends backwards in the form of a double-legged shaft running down and around a woman's vaginal opening as far as her perineum.

(More details can be found here: The Clitoris.com)

The shaft of the clitoris is comparatively more sensitive than the shaft of the penis, and provides pleasure in response to gentle pressure and stroking movements on and around the inner and outer labia during foreplay. Much of this tissue is erectile tissue, and will become engorged during sex, as indeed will the area underneath a woman's inner and outer labia, the ring around her urethra, and her perineum. Stimulating this engorged tissue feels good, which explains why so many women want their lovers to offer consistent stimulation over the whole of their genital region and the surrounding area during foreplay, rather than just to focus on their clitoris, the move which many men believe is most likely to excite their partners (after all, such concentrated focus is what best excites a penis!) 

The sexual response cycle

When a woman is getting aroused, the swelling of her erectile tissues pushes her clitoral glans forward, causes the legs of her clitoris to enlarge and stiffen, her outer and inner labia to enlarge and change color, her breasts to swell slightly, and the muscles and ligaments of her pelvis to contract, creating a feeling of tension. At some point in her arousal, the ligaments attached to a woman's clitoris will shorten, pulling her glans back underneath its foreskin, where it will remain (unless exposed by gentle pressure from a tongue or fingertip) until the woman reaches orgasm.

There are also changes in her skin sensitivity, which becomes much more responsive to touch; skin stimulation produces a feedback effect of arousal and greater excitement, which builds up until her muscular tension releases at the moment of orgasm in a series of contractions, sometimes dramatic, at others more gentle, of the vaginal walls and all the muscles of her pelvic floor. 

At the moment of a woman's orgasm, she may ejaculate fluid from her urethra - this comes from the tissue surrounding her urethra and is directly analogous to the fluid produced by the prostate gland in men. This fluid can be expelled with great force, especially if her G-spot has been stimulated by her lover's finger as part of her foreplay and arousal. Some men and women find this very exciting, others find it somewhat alarming as fluid may fill her lover's mouth and cover his face: however, perhaps unexpectedly for most women, many men find this incredibly arousing and thrilling.

Cunnilingus

You as a man know how pleasurable you find fellatio (imagine the soft, warm, wet pressure of her tongue over your penis as you slide it into her mouth!), and so it is probably not hard to imagine how good cunnilingus feels for your lover when you pleasure her in this way. There is good advice on this website for prospective oral sex givers (see Advanced Sex Techniques, and Fellatio, for example), but the best book on the subject is The Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus by Violet Blue.

There is much to be said on this subject, but the key points are these:

1 Reassure your lover if you think she is inhibited about the sight, smell, or taste of her vulva. Most women do not appreciate how very exciting these things are to a man. If, however, you find them slightly off-putting, you might like to buy Violet Blue's book to find out how to become more comfortable with them.

2 Communicate with your lover. It's not much use trying to give her pleasure or bring her to orgasm without knowing exactly what turns her on or how you can best excite her. Of course, communication is two-way - she needs to be sure she can confide in you without fear of a negative reaction on your part.

3 Be dedicated to what you are doing! In other words, focus your attention on the act of providing pleasure - you'll be amazed what a difference it makes if your mind is not wandering onto irrelevant subjects as you lick her vulva.

4 Learn what pleases her - and what isn't so good for her. When she's aroused, she will make little noises of pleasure and movements of her body which will indicate her increasing arousal. These are a sign to you to continue what you are doing, not to speed up the pace or change your movements! It will only be in the final stages of arousal and excitement that she will definitely want harder and faster pressure on her clitoris (or, indeed, be able to accept it!).

5 As in all sexual activity, be subtle. Diving for her clitoris straight away is not likely to be a real turn-on for her: she is in fact likely to be irritated or even turned off by it. She needs stimulation on the non-sexual parts of her body, gentle holding and stroking, and kissing, before she becomes ready for more overt sexual stimulation.

6 Don't assume that what pleases you is going to please her! Cunnilingus is a far cry from having your penis sucked! Try a variety of gentle licking, stroking, and gentle sucking movements - one thing that is often recommended is to try licking her clitoris with the tip of your tongue in the shape of every letter of the alphabet, starting at A and going through to Z. Personally, this has never worked for me, but who knows? It might be just the thing that works for your lover. 

7 Don't make her orgasm your property. If she comes, well, that's great, but if she doesn't, remember that she will have gained lots of pleasure from the sensual experience of having your tongue sliding across her vulva. She may, of course, be disappointed that she hasn't reached orgasm and be a bit grumpy - don't take that personally!

Women and sex - what women like about being fucked

Women sometimes say that they don't need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. Or even that they don't know if they are going to have an orgasm until sex begins. As a man, you may find this hard to understand. After all, the object of sex, surely, is for both partners to come, in the man's case preferably with his penis inside her vagina! (If you want to understand the woman's point of view more fully, see Sarah's comments on the subject on All About My Vagina.)

So, courtesy of The New Hite Report: The Revolutionary Report On Female Sexuality, Updated, by author Shere Hite, here is some information about intercourse and women. [Buy the book from Amazon.]

Less than 30% of the women in this study regularly reached orgasm  - I prefer to say "come" - through intercourse alone. And most of these didn't come just by penile thrusting: they mostly had some technique to stimulate their clitoris at the same time as well. In fact, regardless of the joys and emotional rewards of intercourse, it is actually pretty unlikely that a woman will come through intercourse alone.

This is not, by the way, a male failing either, for even though most men have a limited capacity to thrust, finding the sensations of having their penis in their mate's vagina just too exciting to hold off ejaculation for more than fifteen minutes at the most (and much more often five or so), women don't come any more readily if their man can thrust for ages without coming. Indeed, women tend to find long sessions of penile thrusting irritating to their vaginas, or boring, or tiring. 

And so, while women often blame themselves for what they see as a failing, it is quite normal and natural for a woman not to come during vaginal sex. So what, then, is the reward that makes women crave this intimacy with their partners?

First of all, there is the physical & sensual pleasure of intercourse, which can feel good to a woman even if she doesn't come. But in addition penetration symbolizes some very important things: a sense of intimacy, care and concern. This sense of intimacy rests in relaxed, pleasurable sex play, touching, caressing, and kissing. Women think men are penetration- and ejaculation-centered at the expense of establishing intimacy. (Which may be true. One way to deal with this is to agree to have sessions of sex where the man can just enjoy a quickie - a quick fuck - without being expected to meet his partner's needs for prolonged foreplay. Such sex can be deeply satisfying to men and may go a long way to ensuring he is more willing to engage in the kind of sexual play his partner desires the rest of the time.)

Women also mention that they enjoy the act of giving pleasure to their man through seeing his needs satisfied. But this pleasure will wane if their partner doesn't make some effort to reciprocate with the kind of sex play she enjoys - which in this survey was often described as clitoral play by the man and cunnilingus from the man with no expectation to have penetrative sex. 

Women also said they liked the feeling of having their man's penis inside them. But the amount pf pleasure they receive here depends on his attitude and performance - as one woman said, "If he comes too fast, it feels like I haven't been part of the performance at all, and if it takes him too long, I feel inadequate. I just enjoy lying together with the man's penis inside me."

Another woman reported that: "I like it best when my husband is so sexy that I just can't resist him and I just let myself move to his movements and let myself go. That is the best for me, and also I would not choose to do without sharing his orgasm." Another woman observed that for her, vaginal penetration was more psychologically than physically fulfilling. But she didn't like "the idea of feeling determined for intercourse after foreplay, like something inevitable. I'd like it to be more flexible and optional instead of it being the main course of action. There is a certain form of unity in intercourse which is beautiful, but during other forms of sex, when we do things to please each other, there is still a distinct sense of unity there also."

And many women reported that intercourse felt good even when it didn't result in an orgasm:

"The feeling of penetration, especially if the penis is large enough, is fantastic to me. I sometimes just like to hold it inside me - not moving at all. I love the feelings of different positions, each one seems like a whole new sensation. I like the feeling of deep, hard thrusting, although most men don't seem to be able to thrust deep or hard enough. I also love the feeling of it sliding in and out and love to be teased by taking it all the way out and begging for him to put it back in. It never leads to orgasm for me." (My emphasis.)

"To be filled is a great bodily pleasure."

And many women spoke of the energy flows which they could experience, which I take to be the result of G-spot stimulation:

"Sometimes, if my lover slowly penetrates me very, very deeply, and then doesn't move, I get these ecstatic flows and ripples through my lower abdomen, inside and out."

And, as mentioned before, may women feel great satisfaction from pleasing their man:

"Intercourse doesn't give me an intense clitoral kind of orgasm, but I still get very carried away. Most of the excitement is about holding and being held, and especially having him come, which both of us can feel intensely - which is very satisfying to me."

Other websites about women and orgasm:

The clitoris.com - hints for men on your partner and her orgasm

Function of the orgasm

Other pages on the penis and sex

Best sex positions
Anal sex
Fellatio: oral sex upon a penis
Fellatio: advice for women
Sex tips for him
Sex tips for her
Premature ejaculation
Sexual activity and frequency
Sex toys and videos
The senses in sex
Love and sex
Sexual dysfunction
Fetish and fantasy
Women and sex
Low sex drive in a partner
Tantric sex
Intercourse with a soft penis
Sex drive and libido
Sexually transmitted infections

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