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Relationships, life, love and the whole damn thing!

Here's an interesting question! What is it that makes a relationship successful?

happy relationship

Is it the typical inadequate fumbling attempts of one gender to please the other, or is it the mutual recognition of complementary needs that leads to codependency?

Is it respect, love, affection and friendship? Or is it simply the opportunity to get sexual pleasure and have companionship?

And indeed, what exactly is the meaning of the word love?

You see these are all questions that people getting into relationship really need to answer adequately, otherwise their motivations may remain unclear, and the success of the relationship doubtful.

Someone once said to me that we all want to be in a relationship, and those of us who aren't in a relationship are always looking to be in a relationship. And I think, broadly speaking, that is probably true. Which raises a number of interesting questions -- most predominantly of course, what is it that makes us so much want to be in relationship?

humans are social animals too

At its simplest level, one of the reasons for this is that we're all social animals, that we are in fact designed to be with other people.

I suspect there are comparatively few individuals who disagree with that -- you only have to look at the way we live to see that our behavior exemplifies our genetic make-up, and that this is a prime example of that principle at work.

But of course it doesn't make it any easier to have a successful relationship - as almost everyone can testify. As society moves to a more individualized position -- by which I mean the opportunities for individuals to express themselves become progressively greater, and that freedom and liberation all the individuals, at least in Western society, increases beyond anything the human race has ever experienced before --  it appears to me that the skills to conduct successful relationships are gradually being lost.

Because when all is said and done, isn't it plausible that a human man and a human woman could get together and stay together for a lifetime if they genuinely respected each other, could genuinely communicate their deepest issues, were interested in each other's personal growth and development, and had a common interest and purpose in life?

Obviously yes, but boy what a burden. Perhaps if those really are the necessary conditions for a successful relationship to develop, then it's no surprise that there are comparatively few successful relationships around.

We're all struggling with the stress of finance, health, family, insecurity, and much more besides, and perhaps the problem here then is that we don't have time to pay attention to the needs and experiences of our partners in relationship.

Meeting the needs of your partner

What a terrible experience that is: to want a relationship, yet not to know really have to have one, not even know what love is, and then not have the time or the skills to find out what it is one doesn't know about having a successful relationship.

So there are many different aspects of psychology that impact on relationships, but clearly one of the most important is the satisfaction of our mutual human needs.

I propose to you that relationships are only successful when one partner is meeting the partner's needs, or perhaps, one partner is managing to obtain the satisfaction of their needs from some other source.

What are those needs? There are many different schools of thought on that subject, but one of the ones that I like is by Anthony Robbins.

maslow's hierarchy of needs

He has listed six human needs that he believes are present in everyone.

The first the need for certainty -- by which he means that we have to have a way of avoiding pain and gaining pleasure. Some people gain certainty by becoming control freaks and controlling every aspect of their lives, and others give up control in the service of a faith that governs every aspect of their lives and deprive them of individual choice. In either case, of course, they do have certainty.

Robbins' next need is the need for uncertainty or variety -- which seems contradictory to the first, but is really a desire for stimulation. The degree to which an individual will require stimulation in their lives depends on the sensitivity of the nervous system -- as you may know, some people are much more sensation seeking others.

His third need is the need for significance -- by which he means the need to feel important or special or even just to feel needed. And perhaps that's the origin of codependency in a relationship, where two people have a  primary need to feel needed, and work it out by becoming co-dependent on each other in cycles of need and fulfilment that reverse from time to time.

Robbins' fourth need is the need for connection or love -- which he describes as a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something.

And it's certainly true that some people substitute the love of God for the love of another human being, although you could argue that such an approach is a denigration of human dignity.

Fifthly, he talks about the need to grow, which he defines as an expansion of capacity, and which also includes an expansion of our ability to understand the world, and their experience of self. It was generally known as personal growth and development.

And finally the sixth need is a need for contribution, which he defines as a sense of service, a way of focusing on helping others, or just supporting others.

Now all of this sounds highly noble and important -- and it is. But there's another factor here which has not been taken into account - he need of men to express themselves sexually.

I believe that often one of the primary reasons that men get into relationship is because of their sexual motivation, even though it may not be quite so overt.

In some cases, I think the sexual drive is always playing a part for men in obtaining relationship with a woman. So the question then might arise --  what is a woman looking for when she seeks out a relationship?

I think the answer to that is that she's probably looking for the emotional fulfilment which comes from loving or connecting with a man. And it follows that although women do express sexual desires, sex may not be the true motivation for getting into a relationship. In which case how is a woman to know how to do this? And what is her motivation to get into relationship with a man?

I think the answer is  emotional satisfaction and love. These things mean a huge amount to most women, but unfortunately many women do not have the skill to develop a relationship with men.

That could well be why so many Internet programs have been developed which purport to offer women an explanation of how to get into relationship with men, how to seduce men, in effect.

And regrettably, having read some of these, I do believe that there's a great deal of substance in the suggestion that we all act out certain biological predispositions; many of our genetic impulses are exemplified in the behaviors we use to approach the opposite sex, and we are more likely to get the desired outcome.

For women, what this means is using a certain level of seductiveness, a  certain level of what we once called feminine wiles or feminine charm to "snare her man".

Clare Casey and Mike FioreNowhere has this been written about more clearly than in the program by Mike Fiore and Claire Casey called Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever.

Although somehow it goes against my basic philosophy, I do have to admit that when I read this program, which on the face of it is nothing more than a collection of dating tips women, I did find resonance to very deep level with what I know about human psychology.

So if we all fit into particular gender stereotypes and exemplify that, then there are certain behaviors both men and women could expect to follow which would often lead to successful relationships.

Capture His Heart logoNow whether or not you think that seducing a man, or dating a man, romancing a man, whatever you want to call it, depends on a set of tips and tricks and techniques, the truth of the matter is that for women, anything that can help them approach men and get what they want -- which I broadly describe as true love - is going to be a good thing.

And it so happens that Capture His Heart, as the program is commonly known, is extremely successful, and has a very low refund rate when it is sold on the Internet.

On the other side of this equation of course raises the rather interesting question of what a man might need to do attract a woman and vice versa. Regrettably, there's a lot of truth in the suggestion that men find attractive women are more desirable prospects for a relationship than women who are overweight or out of condition. And also that women find certain male physiques attractive too.

Adonis Golden Ratio logoBut the truth of the matter is that it isn't difficult to get back into condition: there are plenty programs on the Internet for weight loss and fitness for both men and women, just as there for every other aspect of self-improvement and self growth.

One of the advantages of getting this kind of information from the Internet is that there's a massive community of support available to you, so that you're not working from a position of isolation.

When you are part of a community who are all motivated towards building a better body, or to losing weight fast, or to shaping up and muscle toning, your motivation factor is immediately much higher and your intention to shape your body, lose weight, or whatever, can be much stronger.

One of the reasons that I think this matters for men is that good body shape is not only attractive to women, but it's actually a massive confidence boost.

There's a mysterious formula in nature called the golden ratio, which represents the proportion of one part of a whole to another, and is said to represent the most aesthetic form possible. It seems to be true, as  demonstrated by scientific research, that when a man's body conforms to the golden ratio, he does indeed become more attractive to women regardless of his overall shape and size. (I mean height and width rather than fatness -- that this is almost always turn off.)

So it's no surprise that some sports scientists and fitness physiologists have come up with a program called the Adonis Golden Ratio which purports to turn men into an Adonis by giving you an exercise and diet plan specific to your body size and shape - a plan which will give you the most aesthetic possible body form. [There is a similar plan for women called the Venus Factor. Click here for more fats about it.]

Yup, I do indeed think there's a lot of truth behind this - and I like the Adonis golden ratio for other reasons. It's written by John Barban, a man with vast experience in the field of diet and weight loss, nutritional supplementation and healthy living. It's available as a program on the Internet which will allow you to lose weight fast, build a better body in 12 weeks, and generally feel more confident in social situations.

I suppose the greatest irony of all would be if you met a woman who had used the program Capture His Heart, and she was attracted to you because you used The Adonis Golden Ratio! It might even be a match made in heaven -- a match of two gods, Adonis and Venus!

 

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