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Premature Ejaculation

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Coming too quickly, premature ejaculation, call it what you will, is a horrible problem if you are even a little bit sensitive to your lover's needs.

For one thing, coming too quickly makes you feel like a useless lover; for another, no woman is likely to be satisfied with a couple of minutes of having your penis in her vagina - after all, she probably wants your penis inside her as much as you want to have it there. (In which context I could not resists the picture to the right!)

So what causes ejaculation prematurely? After all, you might think that all men - including you - should naturally be good lovers, able to insert your penis, thrust away in your partner's vagina while you remain happy and controlled in the timing of your ejaculation, and then end your intercourse with a triumphant orgasm which leaves you both totally satisfied.

But, as you may have discovered, that's not the way it usually is! The excitement of sex with a new partner, or having sex with your current partner after you haven't made love for a while, or being tired or stressed, and a million other things as well, can all make you spurt too quickly - much to your annoyance, and your partner's too! 

But whatever the circumstances in which you come too quickly, the cause is usually related to you being over-aroused and therefore over-sensitive to sexual stimulation. This can be because you're stressed before you begin to make love - and that includes being nervous - or because you just haven't leant how to control your arousal.

The problem is that when most men talk of self-control during sex, they think that there is some mysterious formula that will stop them reaching the point of climax and ejaculation too soon. The truth is different - voluntary self-control is really difficult: in fact, it's nearly impossible.

To stop yourself coming through muscular effort, you have to clamp down so hard with your pubococcygeus muscle (that's the muscle around the base of your penis and anus) that any chance of sexual pleasure disappears, and it doesn't usually work anyway - you still ejaculate, and you don't even enjoy it.

Here's what Rod Phillips has to say about premature ejaculation.

It's much better to have a good feeling for when you're getting aroused and, indeed, how aroused you're getting. That way you know how near you are to ejaculating - which in turn allows you to slow down the pace of sex in time to delay your orgasm.

Young men, who are notoriously quick comers, usually have no idea of how aroused they are, and then suddenly, before they know it, their penis is spurting uncontrollably once again!

You might well ask how easy it is to be aware of how aroused you are. The answer is that it's very easy, provided you do a few simple things.

For example, during masturbation, you can easily follows the progress of your increasing arousal - and, if you get near coming, you can stop masturbating at any point if you choose to! There's no such thing as an uncontrollable urge to ejaculate, at least not until you're right on the verge of doing so.

Before that, you have a choice - you can speed things up or slow them down by masturbating harder and faster, or more gently and slowly. And by doing so, you can spin out your masturbation for as long as you choose.

What's more, you can learn to hold yourself on the edge of ejaculation without coming, knowing just how much stimulation will keep you there and how much will tip you over the edge into orgasm.

You can use the same idea during sex to keep yourself from ejaculating too soon, though of course you are likely to be more aroused during intercourse than you are during masturbation, so the process will take longer to master.

There are many websites which tell you how to deal with premature ejaculation. I think the best of them is my own website on the subject. For one thing, it's written from my own experience: it describes how my girlfriend and I overcame my premature ejaculation.

There are many ideas around about how to cure premature ejaculation, and it's worth just mentioning a few of them. (I know them all, because I tried them all....)

First of all, wearing two condoms doesn't work. If they're modern, thin condoms your penis doesn't feel much different to being naked in her vagina. And since premature ejaculation starts in your head, not in your penis, it's your head you need to focus on to cure it, not your penis.

Second of all, distracting yourself by thinking about the price of fish, or the baseball score, does not help either.

If you remember how the cure starts - that is, being aware of how sexually aroused you are as you make love - you can probably see that thinking about anything that distracts you from sex is not going to help your awareness; indeed, your ejaculation will be on you before you know it!

Third, getting down to sex quickly, before you've had a chance to get too aroused, may help you to last a bit longer when you're inside your partner, but it introduces a real problem into sex for your partner: she wants and needs loads of foreplay before she gets aroused and lubricated.

Forcing the pace of penetration and intercourse is likely to make sex an even worse experience for her than it already is. And if you spend time on foreplay, especially if it involves giving her oral sex, or receiving oral sex on your penis from her, you're still going to be very aroused by the time you penetrate her.

The result: yes, you've already guessed it: a quick ejaculation once again. 

You might be forgiven for thinking that you can't win any which way. But one solution is to have a look at the website I wrote (yes, that's a shameless plug for myself, but believe me, the small investment of money is well worth it to become the lover you can be!).

Another strategy is to make sure she comes every time you make love (if she wants to) by giving her lots of foreplay, stroking, kissing, oral sex and masturbation - before you even think about putting your penis into her vagina.

That's not such a bad plan anyway, even if you're not a quick comer, but until you've learnt how to control yourself, it's pretty much essential.

When premature ejaculation appears suddenly, later in life, it may be associated with a man's inability to keep an erection during sex. It seems that in trying to over-compensate for his erection problems, he becomes so anxious that he develops premature ejaculation. The cure here is the resolution of the erectile dysfunction.

There are, however, other causes of premature ejaculation later in life. In the simplest case, a man will have previously dealt with his tendency to come soon after vaginal penetration but it has  temporarily reappeared in response to stress or anxiety.

This is usually not difficult to deal with, provided the man does not get into a cycle of increasing anxiety.

There is another ejaculation problem which is much less common than premature ejaculation, and that is retarded ejaculation, where a man cannot ejaculate or reach orgasm during intercourse. Fortunately there are some simple treatments for retarded ejaculation.

But if the quick ejaculation doesn't go away with a little understanding and patience, there may be an undercurrent of anger and the relationship may be experiencing difficulties.

Put simply, a man who is angry may decide to be selfish and allow himself to ejaculate without bothering to control his ejaculation - that control being the mark of a mature lover, of course. 

As Eva Margolies says in her book Undressing The American Male, if you find that a lover who has previously had good ejaculatory control suddenly becomes a "quick comer", then your relationship may need a marriage counselor more than it needs a sex therapist!

Read more on premature /rapid ejaculation here - and even more on premature ejaculation here.

Factors affecting the ease of a cure for premature ejaculation

Some of these are fairly obvious, some less so. For example, if a man is confident being naked with a woman, in that he has no complexes about the size of his penis, and doesn't mind her seeing him naked, he is likely to have a much firmer foundation for a cure than if he is beset by self-doubt and anxiety about his size.

Similarly, if his problem is so severe that he ejaculates when he is kissing, or when he sees his partner undressing, it's going to take more work than if he simply comes too soon during vaginal intercourse. 

Then again, men who are more sensitive to arousal and stimulation (we all have nervous systems that have different levels of sensitivity) will find it more difficult to obtain the level of control they would like. Similarly, if the problem is long-standing, control may be more difficult to achieve than if it has only recently developed.

The most serious factors likely to make a cure more difficult are underlying guilt or anxiety about sex, or the existence of other sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction. 

Finally, a man must want to overcome the problem for himself rather than for his partner - and many men do not have the motivation, being quite content to take their pleasure as they wish, justifying their actions on the grounds that "all men come quickly" or "she's not really interested in sex - and therefore it doesn't matter to her if I come quickly". 

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Other pages on the penis and sex

Best sex positions
Anal sex positions
Fellatio - what women think
Better sex and masturbation
Beauty of the penis
Pleasing a woman in bed
The penis & male pleasure
Premature ejaculation
Extended orgasm for men (1)
The senses in lovemaking
Arousal and desire
Fetish and fantasy
Sex toys
Sexual behavior
Intercourse with a soft penis
Men's sexual needs
The power of the penis
The nature of masculinity
Male sexual massage
Manifesting Your Reality

Other sections on the site

Penis facts and penile functions
The penis, masculinity and sex
A Cultural History Of The Penis
Penile & Other Problems 

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