All About The Penis, Men & Male Sexuality

The power of the penis

So this is in the way of a personal memoir. It's a long time since I started this website, and it's a long time since I put on here a page devoted to my personal experiences. Back in the day -- a mere 10 years ago -- when the Internet was fresh and new, a page detailing one's own sexual experiences, and some of the psychological and emotional experiences that went with them, was a brand-new and somewhat revolutionary idea. The site garnered much praise, some adulation, and a little criticism. Certainly, there were those who thought the idea was too "way out" and could not relate to the concept of somebody baring their soul in this way.

Well, ten years on, such revelations have become commonplace to the point of being mundane, boring even. And in some ironic way this might be reflected in the fact that this site, for so long number one when you searched on Google.com for "penis", dropped down the ratings after one of Google's infamous algorithm changes, the subject of a -950 penalty (a term that will only mean something to veteran webmasters).

But, despite all that, the site continues to entertain hundreds of visitors a day, and it still has a certain visibility on the Internet, particularly for (mostly) men searching for answers about issues in their sexual or emotional life, or for some specific information about their penis.

That's the main reason why I continue to update the site from time to time: I'm conscious of the fact that every year a new generation of adolescent boys move into the experience of puberty, and then in time move from adolescence to manhood, in most cases still without any effective way of gathering information about what it actually means to be a man, trying to develop masculinity in a world that so often seems prejudiced against men, and denies -- in my opinion -- both men and women the full expression of their personality and their sexual natures.

One of the things that experience has taught me is that there are certain key aspects to a healthy sense of sexual identity. One of these is a normal development through puberty into adult: and by normal I mean several things. First and foremost, I mean having the experience of normal physical development -- a healthy, natural growth of both primary and secondary sexual characteristics. Some men, and I am one of them, believe that going through some kind of rite of passage - check this out - is essential for transition between life stages.

For a man, primary characteristics include the growth of the penis and testes, but it also includes the development of normal masculine body shape, sufficiently muscled, with shoulders wider than hips, so that a man feels his body image is adequately masculine. Secondary characteristics include the growth of hair on the face, pubic area and armpits. And perhaps the most crucial moment in the whole process is a boy's first ejaculation, an experience which he is destined - in the huge majority of cases - to have alone and probably without much solid information about the experience from his father or another older male. Who guides a boy through this momentous transition from boyhood to manhood? Generally, no-one.

Now pause for a moment and consider what it's like for the boys who don't conform to this pattern of development: that's to say, the boys who never grow tall, or whose body shape remains prepubertal, or who have some kind of developmental deficiency of the penis or testicles, or who are for some reason so profoundly shamed about their male identity that they are psychologically inhibited from growing comfortably into a sense of their own masculinity.

Well, what is it like? I think one of the clearest signs that something's gone wrong in the developmental progress from childhood to adulthood for a male is the sense that somehow he doesn't fit into his own gender; I'm not denying that there may be occasions where somebody has a genuine genetically-based physiological difference to the average male, but that's not really what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the harm that can be done to a boy who isn't encouraged to explore his masculinity. And make no mistake about it, that exploration extends into every fiber of his being. A boy wants and needs to explore his body almost from the moment he's born; as soon as he's discovered it's fun to have a penis, and it's fun to play with it, he wants to find out what it can do, and how it can make him feel.

Yet, while there is a need for socialization, most parents are still pretty inhibited about their children's expression of their own sexuality. I think we as males are fortunate that the urge to play with the penis is so strong (thanks to the power of testosterone to motivate sexual behavior) that it can overcome the inhibitions passed on to us by, I would venture to suggest, mostly mothers who felt uncomfortable with their boy's exploration of his cock.

The only problem is, being comfortable in your gender doesn't just involve the pleasure of actually playing with your penis, it also involves feeling happy and relaxed about the possibility that you can do so, and the reality when you do it. Over the years I've met many men who feel a residual sense of shame or disgust after sex or masturbation, and that shame or disgust is undoubtedly a product of the boy's parents' inhibitions about sex, masculinity, or the human body in general and the male penis in particular. Fortunate indeed is the child who can learn from a father who has a rip-roaring, wholehearted sense of masculinity and is comfortable with his body; so they can bathe together, pee together -- especially outdoors -- and even compare penises together without shame.

The sense of shame that society has engendered in males gets its expression in the response many people find they have to the previous sentence. The experience of father and son being together in a very natural way isn't in any way sexual; if you thought "child abuse", sex, or "unhealthy", or just plain "wrong", then I'd suggest that somewhere in your psyche is a dark shadow of shame and guilt around sex.

Then of course there's the exploration of male potential that's so essential in boyhood: where a mother would caution a boy to be careful, or even stop him from making his adventures in the countryside (building dens, climbing trees, fording rivers, taking risks - dammit, just being a boy), the father is much more likely to encourage him, share the experience, and reward him for extending the boundaries of his risk-taking ability: that's how a boy becomes a man! Of course alongside all of this goes the need for clear and firm boundaries.  I've heard it said that masculinity is, at its root, a destructive force, and that's why fathers are so essential -- to set boundaries and limits, to encourage the boy to develop a sense of his own boundaries so that he can exercise control over his male energy, so he never becomes rageful or destructive, but is able to temper his energy appropriately. I believe it's actually too extreme to see masculinity as such a force, and in fact I believe those who say such things are acting out of the shadow of their psyche, possibly out of fear of their own masculinity and its capacity to destroy.

My view is that masculinity is a generative, creative force with the power to change, to build, and to push through obstacles to reach the heights of human endeavor. Having said that, I totally accept that the presence of fathers or older males who can set clear boundaries and teach boys how to control their masculine energy is absolutely essential for the healthy psychological development of boys in general and adolescent males in particular; indeed, adolescents crave masculine leadership and guidance. If they don't get it, they form pseudo-tribal groups with self-appointed leaders (such as gangs) whose energy is indeed totally uncontrolled and totally destructive.

You've probably realized by now that I think one of the biggest problems facing men in society is the fact that they don't get adequate fathering, and therefore never develop an adequate sense of their own male power, and how to control it. Men who vacillate, prevaricate, and placate women without knowing how to stand up for what they believe in, and who cannot state their emotional and psychological position clearly and directly, are the clearest example of this. Without criticizing single mothers in any way, it's inevitable that most boys brought up by single mothers without any contact with a father figure, are not going to understand how men should relate to women from the depths of the masculine soul -- particularly when a woman consciously or unconsciously uses her boy as a substitute for the male energy of a husband or partner.

The fact I've digressed so much from what I set out to talk about, which was the influence of the penis on the boy's developing psyche, shows how strongly I feel about this, which, when I stop to think about it, is probably why I built this website in the first place. There can be few things more self affirming for male identity than finding that, when you are about 13 or 14 years of age, your penis suddenly develops -- over a comparatively short space of time -- into a big, thick cock with the power to become hard and erect. Just think for moment about the symbolism of that transition: to me it speaks of power, dominance, influence, generation, creativity, transition, transmission of energy, and the possibility of great pleasure. It's a glorious gift to have a normal sized and shaped penis, which looks normal, functions normally, and ejaculates powerfully, serving everyone well when it's used with discretion and care. As I write, I have an extremely clear sense of how fundamental to the male identity the penis actually is; this is something women can probably only understand by considering how they felt about the development of their own breasts and the discovery of their cunt at some point in adolescence or early womanhood (a discovery which is often accompanied by the unfolding revelation of how much power they have over men just because they possess a cunt).

So it follows, by implication, that any man who hasn't gone through the normal process of physical development is going to have to work extra hard to develop an adequate sense of his masculinity.... but what "adequate" means, is of course entirely dependent on what a man sees as the ideal state of masculinity in his own particular case.

Our obsession with penis size is so remarkable that it's led me, from time to time, to question whether our interest in the size of the male organ can really just be a cultural phenomenon, or if there is some deeply profound genetic reason that makes us see a bigger penis as a better penis. In the end, though, I still hold to the belief that the reason almost all men want a larger penis is that the penis symbolizes masculine values as we now broadly understand them in our society: power, strength, the ability to take and fill a woman, and so on; it's the rampant, hard edge of the John Wayne macho symbol of masculinity.

What an irony that male power, or at least the kind of male power valued by women, has nothing whatsoever to do with penis size. And, in passing, while we're on the subject of men's weaknesses and strengths, I'd also make the observation that men seeking to have better sex are probably looking to please their female partner at heart.

As I've repeatedly stated, what women want in a man is loyalty, firmness of character, morality, decency, psychological strength that can withstand a woman's emotional storms, a sense of humor, kindness, and, dare I say it, the ability to safeguard her and her children, and possibly even to provide financially and materially for them.

Yet here we are, in a situation where a man with penis which is smaller than average (which, by definition, must mean that half the male population), feels inadequate, always thinking somewhere in the depths of his psyche, that he would or could be "better", more fulfilled, happier, if only his cock was larger. So penis size becomes a competition between men to demonstrate who's more masculine; while in reality masculinity should be expressed in the natural evolution of societal structures that allow men to naturally form hierarchies and work together in a cooperative fashion rather than a competitive one. That, for all of us, is the ultimate tragedy of the current perception of masculinity in society.

Some men seek to escape from the tyranny of the widespread beliefs around penis size and other concepts of masculinity which abound in our society; my final question to you is "What does masculinity mean to you, and what symbolizes it best for you?" Hopefully, the answer is not the size of your cock.

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Other pages on the penis and sex

Best sex positions
Anal sex positions
Fellatio
Cunnilingus
Fellatio - what women think
Better sex and masturbation
Beauty of the penis
The penis & male pleasure
Premature ejaculation
Extended orgasm for men (1)
The senses in lovemaking
Arousal and desire
Fetish and fantasy
Libido
Sex toys
Sexual behavior
Intercourse with a soft penis
Men's sexual needs
The power of the penis
The nature of masculinity
Male sexual massage
Manifesting Your Reality

Other sections on the site

Penis facts and penile functions The penis, masculinity and sex
A Cultural History Of The Penis
Penile & Other Problems 

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