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The art of male masturbation - a guide for women
Use plenty of lube!
Lube can make the experience
much more sensual for your man, whether his penis is circumcised or not. Oil-based
lubricant is best. Remember, though, that this will dissolve latex and so you can't
use it with condoms, diaphragms, or cervical caps.
Men generally masturbate quite quickly. To give your man a different experience, you can slow things down. Remember that speed and friction on the penis are important in men's masturbation, so that even if he delights in the soft slow sensuous touch you provide (see below), there's likely to be a point at which he wants you to masturbate him harder and faster.
The teasing touch
For this method, when using your hand to hold, rub, stroke and otherwise tease his penis, use a gentle to light touch. He may well find a very deep, deliciously intense ache develops down the underside of the shaft of his penis, especially where it joins his balls, and in his perineum and around his prostate gland.
Another exciting variation is to lightly stroke the side-rim of his glans with the ball of your thumb. At the same time, lightly flick or stroke other parts of his glans with your forefinger. Combine this with a gentle stroking, pinching or scratching of his balls and the area around them with your other hand. Pre-cum fluid might begin to ooze or stream out of his penis, in which case you have an added source of lubrication!
Another method is to encase his glans lightly in the cup of your hand, as before stroking or rubbing one side and rim with the ball of the thumb and the other, if you wish, with the fingers. This again can build up his excitement, especially if you don't touch anywhere else and just rub one side of his glans. Or, if he's sitting or standing up, try spreading your fingers apart and rubbing the upper rim of his glans in the ridge of skin between your thumb and forefinger.
Don't be scared of hurting him
When a man masturbates, he uses much more pressure on his penis than you do
on your clitoris. Naturally
enough, women tend to assume that they should approach their man's penis as
they would want their clitoris to be approached. This is not the case, unless
of course you are going for the softly-softly approach suggested above.
One way in which male and female masturbation is somewhat similar is that the speed and direction of strokes is best kept constant. As a woman, you know how disruptive it can be if you suddenly find that your partner has changed pressure, speed or direction of strokes as he masturbates you. The same, broadly speaking, is true for men. Even if you are doing an up and down stroke along the length of his penis, the pressure and speed of your hand movements shouldn't change too much as you change direction.
Tease his balls
Many men ignore their testicles while they masturbate, which is a shame, since they can be delightfully sensitive and erotic. If you're going to play with them, you have to gauge the pressure you apply very carefully, of course, since a hard squeeze at the wrong moment can be excruciatingly painful. There are several possibilities for incorporating testicle play - for example, you can gently scratch his scrotum with your fingernails, tease it with your tongue, or take his scrotum into your mouth and gently roll his balls around with your tongue. As he gets more aroused, he may be able to take some gentle manipulation of his balls between your fingers and thumbs, but the watchword here is "be careful"!
Many men have a very pleasurable spot between their scrotum and anus.
The prostate - worth a finger up his anus
Many men experience intense pleasure when having their prostate stimulated - a pleasure which has sometimes been likened to the pleasure a woman gets when her G spot is stimulated. His prostate can be massaged gently from the outside through his perineum or internally through his anus.
Most of our masturbation is probably a quick relief from sexual tension: whip out your penis, masturbate swiftly to a more-or-less satisfying orgasm, using one simple but effective technique that forms the backbone of your masturbation repertoire, and that's it. Now, there's nothing wrong with this, and in fact I think it's very necessary for men to do it, because our sexual drive is so high. However, once in a while it's a rewarding experience to masturbate more slowly and sensuously.
To explain: knowing your body and its sexual responses can enhance your pleasure, build up your sexual self-confidence, provide you with an overall feeling of well-being, and make you feel more masculine and male. It can also help you to be a better lover, more responsive and sensitive to your partner's needs, which will in turn make her more eager to make love with you, and more responsive to your sexual overtures. And, as you may know, nothing is more arousing to a man than making love to an aroused woman - so the whole sexual cycle between you and your partner gets better and better.
If you don't have a sexual partner yet, then practicing sensuous self-pleasuring (i.e. masturbation!) can prepare you for the experience of making love. After all, the better you are at pleasuring yourself, the more confident you will be when it comes to pleasuring another, or showing another person how to pleasure you.
So, to begin: the first requirement is that you have comfort and privacy: no distractions, no interruptions, and no-one with you. (If your partner seems jealous of the time you are spending with yourself, then reassure her - or him - that they can join in next time.) You'll probably be better off if you choose a time when you have two or three hours to spare so you don't feel any time pressure, either. Lastly, you'll want to make sure you are warm enough to lie naked, probably on a bed, so you can be comfortable.
Remove all your clothes and lie down in any position in which you feel comfortable. Relax as much as you can, making a conscious decision to clear your mind of other concerns and worries for the moment. This is a time to devote to you and your penis.
You may wish to use a little massage oil to make your hands feel more sensuous; it also makes it easier to move them over your skin. Begin by running your hands and fingers lightly over your body, arms and thighs, but not your penis or testicles. Let your mind wander - sexual fantasies are fine!
See how different types of massage strokes and pressures of touch feel on different parts of your body. As you progress, spend more time touching your erogenous zones: that's to say, the areas of your body that feel especially sensuous or sexual - these might include the area around your penis and testicles, your perineum (that's the skin between your anus and your balls), maybe your anus, your armpits, inner elbows, ears, scalp, neck, inner thighs, and so on. Let yourself fantasize about whatever makes you feel good, but don't get carried away and start masturbating furiously! The aim here is to be slow, relaxed and sensuous!
As you get more aroused, start to masturbate, either using your hands in slow, sensuous, oiled strokes along the length of your penis or by thrusting gently against the bed as you lie on your stomach. If you are lying face down, use a pillow to support your head. Whether you're masturbating on your back or your front, keep your eyes closed and focus on the sensations that you feel in your body. Use your hands to fondle your balls, anus and indeed anywhere else you wish, so that your masturbatory experience becomes more body-centered than penis-centered.
You may find that making pelvic thrusts makes this all feel much better, increases your arousal, and improves the force and power of your ejaculation when you reach orgasm. (And if you don't have a sexual partner yet, practicing the movements of lovemaking - perhaps thrusting your penis into a pile of pillows or something similarly soft and non-resistant - can give you make you a bit more confident when you first have sex.)
As you near orgasm and ejaculation, don't stop the movements of your hands on your body and balls. Squeeze your testicles gently, stroke your chest, pinch your nipples with as much pressure as you find erotic: all of these self-touches will add something to the experience and may well make it much more rewarding for you.
As you get nearer to coming, squeeze your legs together in time to your pelvic thrusts (or if you wish, play with your anus, perhaps by thrusting a sex toy gently into it in time with your hip movements, or simply by massaging it with a finger). Any pressure or tension in the muscles of the pelvic region as you get nearer to coming will add to the sensations of your orgasm and ejaculation. You can experiment by making these muscles more tense before you ejaculate, or by going the opposite way and relaxing as completely as possible - this is a different experience but still a highly pleasurable one.
Finally, when you are about to ejaculate, let yourself go completely: move however you feel you want to, no matter how vigorous; breath as deeply as you like; shout out loud if you have the urge to do so. The release of sound when you come is a good way of expressing emotions. And don't worry about making a mess when you ejaculate - you're aiming to be sensuous and unrestrained. So as your penis spurts semen onto your chest or the bed, let it flow: you can wipe it away later. Then, once you've enjoyed your ejaculation, don't hurry to wipe away the semen. Linger for a while, playing with your penis as it goes soft, or perhaps even repeating the whole experience.
Extended orgasm - a reader emails:I've enjoyed masturbating for more than 30 years, in all kinds of situations, alone and with others. I've discovered many wonderful techniques to stimulate my penis, and with my increased experience has come a desire for more subtle methods which provocatively tease and draw out the pleasure most intensely, sometimes making it so blissful it's almost unbearable. And the more experienced you become the more you may want to delay orgasm and ejaculation for as long as possible - the continuous and relentless build-up of trembling excitement and pleasure make this extremely rewarding!
The penis-teasing techniques that I use are mostly very soft and gentle: I use my fingers, silk sheets and small household objects for subtle rubbing of the glans, combined with stroking, light scratching and fingertip touching of my balls and the skin all around them. I also use an extensive collection of erotic pictures, which induce all kinds of extremely vivid fantasies, or I watch myself in the mirror, or both.
There are amazing and subtle pleasures to be created by reaching the very brink repeatedly of ejaculation and staying there, hour after hour and even day after day. The longer you spend on the build-up to your ejaculation and orgasm, the more sensitive and responsive your whole body will become, especially that delightful hyper-sensitive region of buttocks, belly and inner thighs. It's actually possible to postpone coming for two or three weeks, even if you masturbate two or three times a day. Each session can last from one to three hours, perhaps even more.
In essence, it's all about training yourself to resist masturbating to orgasm, the incentive being this intense physical pleasure which can last as long as you want, followed eventually by an unbelievably intense orgasm at the end of it all. Every time you approach the edge of the point of no-return, where you know that your ejaculation is about to become inevitable, slow down.......while there's still just time to prevent it, stop for a moment.....then start up all over again.
The more you do this, the more your excitement will mount, the more your anticipation will enhance your sexual sensations and emotions. It's possible, on the way to your final big ejaculation, to experience 'mini orgasms', tiny intense surges which come and go, and during which your penis, even while still soft and limp, may spurt out a few spatterings of milky white fluid, thinner than full ejaculate.
Once your body is really aroused, and very sensitive all over, a light and teasing touch, scratch and pinch on other parts of the body may evoke an immediate, intensely pleasurable sensation: this is particularly true of your nipples, feet, abdomen and buttocks, though just about anywhere can become hyper-sensitive in this way. It usually takes me several days of repeated masturbation to reach this degree of hyper-sensitivity.
The personal experience
I think most boys don't exchange information about masturbating - they just do it. And although this was never a problem for me, many experience a lot of guilt and shame about it - you only need to read the internet message boards to see that. Usually no-one teaches you how to masturbate, so you evolve your own technique and stick to it. I was very conventional; I never used toys or lube, or thrust my erect penis into pillows, or melons, or mud (yes, mud; as one guy told me, "well, it's wet and silky"). I did occasionally stick something up my ass, and enjoyed that. But you can hardly buy a vibrator at 14 and so the opportunities for playing around were a bit limited. Mind you, the more I think back, the more I remember. For instance, I did buy condoms and have fun masturbating while wearing them on, not pretending to have sex, but just enjoying the sensations.
Like most teenagers, masturbation wasn't something I reserved for bed-time, though it happened most often then, simply because I had more privacy. When the chance arose, I liked to masturbate outside: under bridges, in the long grass, behind a tree, while swimming in the lake (not very satisfying, probably because the water was so cold). Nowadays, I occasionally come across public toilets where men are loitering. The idea of sleazy, illicit masturbatory sex in a public place doesn't excite me.
Many of my friends went to summer camps, and enjoyed circle jerks, where they competed to see who could come fastest. I ask you, how male is that? I didn't do any of this, though I had friends who were into mutual masturbation and, so they claimed, had some very enjoyable sessions after school.
There has really only been one period in my life when I wasn't masturbating on a fairly regular basis, and it was when I was under pressure from University finals. Sometimes there have been periods when it's seemed more decent not to - like when living on a yacht, with everyone living in close quarters - but in general these times have been the exception, not the rule.
When you're a horny teenager, masturbating doesn't really take long - half a minute to a minute or two is more than enough - but it doesn't help teach you how to last longer when you're having sex. I must have been very optimistic, because I remember having sessions in which I tried to extend my arousal for as long as possible to prepare myself, as I thought, for long sessions of intercourse. When the chance finally arrived it didn't make any difference, of course: I still came the moment I penetrated my first girlfriend. In any case, I couldn't usually resist bringing myself to orgasm when I was getting excited, anyway.
The no-lube method of masturbation (roughly: forming a tube with fingers and thumb, and moving the penile skin up and down the penis shaft, and over the coronal rim) is OK if you have a foreskin, I think: and it was OK for me for a longish time, too, since I had enough skin left from my circumcision to be able to get some movement of the skin up and down my penis shaft. I'm not sure in the longer term it was so good: it's now too uncomfortable to masturbate without a lubricant such as a high quality massage oil. But that's OK, I guess - it just means a spontaneous session of masturbation is less likely to happen. Something I developed when I was getting into sex was to imitate the movements of sex during my masturbation, especially thrusting my hips. This added to the pleasurable sensations of the orgasm a lot. So did moving into my own house and being able to make a noise whenever I wanted. Now I sometimes use a hands-free form of masturbation, wearing a lubed condom and thrusting into pillows. It produces a very satisfying orgasm, but I don't do it when I'm around my beloved. Sex is more satisfying.
If I masturbate before sleep, then it seems a much more powerful sensation if I do it while lying on my side than on my back. I've never tried masturbating while lying on my front. It feels too uncomfortable. Besides, I don't like sleeping in a patch of semen. Mostly, I masturbate at night, though if I'm sleeping with someone, I think it polite to do it out of their sight, unless they are very clear that they don't mind (hopefully they might even want to lend a hand).
Many men masturbate before they go to sleep: doing so can help a great deal in getting off to sleep, and of course it's a powerful way of dealing with the ever-present male sexual urge. I suspect many teenagers (and maybe adults too) masturbate because they're bored.
Many people are bothered about the mess, and in particular cleaning up the semen, when they come. Yet this kind of concern can seriously detract from the pleasure of an uninhibited session of self-pleasuring. My advice, therefore, would be to relax, make a mess, and allow yourself the luxury of cleaning up later without worrying about it. If you're enjoying a session of mutual masturbation with someone else, it can be enhanced if you're not bothered about making a mess and getting your semen spread around all over both of you, though not everyone likes this, so check first!
Imagine a masturbation machine for men which so accurately mirrors the sensation of being inside a warm, willing vagina or mouth that if you shut your eyes you would almost not know the difference. Does that sound plausible? Well, I can tell you, having purchased one, that the machine in question - the Venus 2000 - is the nearest thing you'll ever get to sex without a partner. It consists of a soft rubber membrane running through a plastic cylinder, the rubber membrane being deliciously inflated and deflated around your penis by air pressure generated by a powerful electric motor. But the suction also causes the tube to slide back and forth along the shaft of your penis at the same time in a way that produces exactly the physical sensations of thrusting into a vagina. To say that this machine is a sex substitute does it no justice - the whole thing produces the most incredible sexual experience I have ever had without a partner. Mind blowing indeed.
When I bought it, the beloved wanted her own toy. So we bought her a Sybian orgasm machine. How can I sum this up? Well, I never heard so much noise when a woman comes as the beloved makes when she uses this fiendish piece of sexual machinery.
I shall let her tell you in her own words: "This means I come with vaginal stimulation alone, and for me a vaginal orgasm is much more intense, deeper and has a different quality to one produced by rubbing around my clit. What's more, however horny I am when we start making out, this thing can make me come quickly.....its dildo can thrust hard or soft, vibrate, rotate, oscillate, or if I don't want it inside me, stimulate my clit....and Rick can hold me while I sit astride it, riding it with the dildo inside me, kissing me, which means he doesn't feel like he's out of it or being replaced...."
Fantasies go hand-in-hand with masturbation, for me. While I'm in a committed relationship, I'd like to claim that my fantasies were always about my beloved. Unfortunately, like 99% of other men, this wouldn't be true. Often my fantasies center on a particular woman in my life, and what I would like to do to her or have her do to me. I don't really like the way that sounds: a bit too much like the woman is just a sex object, whereas in fact, at least lately, most of my fantasies have been rather romantic. And while I've never had the desire to wear the beloved's clothes, if she's away someplace, I do like to have her shirt or underwear at hand to enjoy the scent of her body while I masturbate. This adds a lot to the experience. Partly because it reminds me that we can enjoy orgasms together when she is back, mostly because I find her womanly scents extremely arousing. When I was single, I used to enjoy the scent of my own underwear while masturbating. I don't know if this is unusual or not. I suspect not.
Sometimes a fantasy can be sparked off by something that's happened during the day - for example, a colleague at the office bending over her desk might be the starting point for a whole masturbatory fantasy of rear-entry, over-the-photocopier, office sex. I admit that doesn't sound very romantic. It sure beats photocopying, though.
We men tend to be very penis-focused in our sexual activity, certainly more than is necessary to ensure we achieve sexual pleasure. And this isn't too surprising, since the level of pleasure we can get from having our penises stimulated, either by penetration, masturbation, or oral sex, is so great and we have such an overwhelming urge for penetration.
However, this makes a great contrast to our female partners, who often need much higher levels of overall body excitement and stimulation - kissing, fondling, stroking, caressing, embracing - before they become aroused and interested in explicitly sexual contact.
I find in my work with men who are having erectile difficulties that what helps these men overcome the reluctance of their penises to get hard is whole-body sensuality, by which I mean an awareness of the sexuality of every part of their body, a sensitivity to the arousing potential of every square inch of skin, an ability to let the sensations of touch anywhere on the body act as stimulation direct to the penis.
Suppose that you're feeling sexual but you can't get an erection. Instead of increasing the vigor and hardness of your penile stroking, try something different. Go to bed naked, between clean sheets, concentrating on the sensations you feel all over your body. As you become aware of the sensations of different parts of your body, you can allow yourself to fully appreciate how they feel. You can increase the pleasure - and hopefully the arousal - you feel by running your hands over your skin, slowly and deliberately, simply enjoying the sensations you experience, with no expectation of getting a hard penis. As you touch each and every part of your body, imagine the sexual sensuousness which resides there. In other words, try to make your skin a sexual organ: imagine its sexual potential, imagine sexual pleasure located in the very part of your body that you're touching.
As you do this, you may feel some stirrings of sexual arousal. Don't, however, focus on your penis or testicles at this stage. The idea is to be more sensuous than sexual: for, if you get aroused, the sensuous energy will gradually transform into sexual energy of its own accord. There will be a point where you wish to explore your more sexual parts - your anus, perhaps, or your perineum, maybe; your breasts, nipples, or lips. If you can abandon yourself to the eroticism of these feelings, rather than worrying about whether you are getting aroused or not, you may find your penis beginning to get hard - especially if you "accidentally" brush it during the sensuous explorations of your body. As you get more aroused, your exploration of your body will become more overtly sexual, and you will find yourself playing with your penis and testicles more. But even now, the objective is not to get explicitly sexual or to switch to masturbation - rather, by continuing this process, you will find that your erection gets progressively harder and you get more aroused. At this point you can switch into explicitly sexual activity, masturbating as you wish, and enjoying the masculine pleasure of your erection. As this process takes you away from your focus on the penis, it also takes you away from the pressure to perform, to ejaculate, to be instantly arousable and ever-hard.
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