All About The Penis

Well, some of you might not think the penis a suitable subject for humor. But let's face it, you got a problem with your dick, you're either going to laugh or cry. So let's kick off with some pictures that might make you want to smirk or weep, depending on the size of your own endowment. You can see everything from little nutty acorns to curvy cobras at Images of Size, a site devoted to the penis in pictures. Images of Size has a load of scrotums (scrota?) pictures as well, should you be interested in seeing how your balls shape up.

If you think the idea of a whole website devoted to the penis is funny, have a look at this: The-penis.com. And how does it bill itself? "Everything you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask." Modest indeed.

Of course, none of this may be making you laugh, in which case whizz across to Nobscan, where gentlemen are invited to contribute more or less artistic pictures of their vital organs to a new site devoted to, yes, you guessed it, the scanned penis. You can make your own contribution if you have a suitable flat bed scanner for your penis to lie in or on, as the case may be. I'd suggest being careful not to let the scanner lid fall heavily upon your prostrate member as you do this. One advantage of this process might be that you can enlarge your organ in your image program before you send it down the wires. I have a feeling this site is British, so we can once again salute the British contribution to world art forms. 

Now, in case you're not laughing yet, try this: Funny, huh?

Onwards, ever onwards. Ah, yes, the Penis Owners' Manual. A "light-hearted" piece on looking after your dick. Isn't "light-hearted" a wonderful old-fashioned expression? But Mr. Shagnasty has much of value to say. Read his words, and follow them, all penis owners.

Getting a bit bored? How about a song? Only for those with a sound card, of course. And by the time you get there it will probably have gone. Seems to happen to many of the sites I recommend. Something to do with the bandwidth, no doubt. 

Life with your penis getting a bit dull? Want some ideas about how to use it for other essential functions? Try Stupid Penis Tricks.   

OK. Time for a joke. In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $1,000,000 they decided that it was to give the man more pleasure during sex. The Germans disagreed, and after $2,500,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. But when the Australians conducted a similar study, after 2 weeks and a cost of around $80 for beer, they concluded that it was to stop the man's hand flying off when he had a wank. (Pedant's corner: according to The-penis.com, only 42% of men have a penis which is widest on the head. I guess this joke won't mean much to the others. But still, 42% market share isn't bad. And the others probably laughed anyway so as not to seem ignorant.)

There are some v. funny sites out there, set up by cyber-iconoclasts. Here is one that even I, erudite and eloquent as I am, have trouble describing. It is very funny. There's loads of stuff on it. Try it now. You'll be browsing for ages. Prehensile by Halcyon. Halcyon is a cocky bastard. If you want to understand what he is and why, go here.

Is this funny? No, but it made me laugh: A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed. "What's up doc?" he asked nervously. "Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's." Go for more.

One day The Lord came to Adam, and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Now, if you got this far, you really deserve to see this. And this. What about this? If this is real then I'm a Dutchman and my name is Hertz Van Rentals. And, as a tribute to the creativity of man, have a look at this.